West Elm has a Hitchcock moment.

Since I find real birds kind of creepy and it depresses me when they crap on my windshield, I don't usually go in for bird motifs on my home furnishings. All that changed with a quick trip through West Elm yesterday where they are wildly merchandising their Fall Preview collection, apparently in an effort to get it out before the summer solstice.

While the images online don't really do it justice, I assure you that in person, it's a stunner.

I'll admit the duvet cover has a bit of a "The Birds" vibe. For a second, I thought Tippi Hedren was running around the shop, but it turned out is was just that one high strung sales guy, clutching his binder full of merchandising plans and mumbling frantically into a Walkie Talkie.



Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if a single silhouette of Alfred Hitchcock was mixed in with all the birds?

Just sayin'.

Check out the West Elm Fall Preview and tell me what you think.

Urban Outfitters. Where worlds collide.

There's a little shopping center down the hill from me, and while it's not quite grand enough to be called a mall, it does have an Anthropologie and a Paper Source, and it's thankfully Restoration Hardware- and Pottery Barn-free, so I like it.

I swung by Sunday morning to cruise Anthro but was caught off guard by a sea of white Ray Ban- and gladiator sandal-wearing girls elbowing their way in... could it be? Urban Outfitters! It just opened right across the parking lot from Anthro.

I made my way past the mob, thinking, perhaps, I had slipped down Judd Nelson's coke-widened nostrils into some weird eighties shadow world where girls wore Molly Ringwald's sunglasses with Ally Sheedy's sandals. Just inside the front door was a large table filled with long, feathered hair clips, which only added to the sense that I had inadvertently stepped through a portal into the past and landed in a place I would not have fit in in, even back then.

Back in the day, yes, back in the day, feathered hair accessories were always attached to roach clips which were then attached to the feathered hair of stoner girls hanging out in the Indio High School smoking area with my brother, whose existence I did not quite deny, but I certainly did not advertise.

No home furnishings to speak of, save the ubiquitous button-tufted headboard and a bunch of quilts that look like they wouldn't wash well. I went online to check out what I was missing, and it turns out, not much. I do like these folksy little poufs, though. Given the way the similarly priced Calypso-for-Target poufs flew off the shelves, these should have been stacked all over the store. Stoners love a good pouf. It's a a fact.

Oh, and I also saw this online:



Perhaps I was in the smoking area.

All the best beds have benches.

Photo: Lonny

Every bed needs a good bench at the end of it. A place to sit while you put on your shoes. A place to discard damp towels. A place to stack decorating magazines and half-finished Sunday Sudokus.



Craigs List. He's back in my good graces and we've been spending some quality time together. $275.

Go forth and bench-ify.

(I was going to title this post "bench press," but that pretty lame. Even for me. I might be able to bench press Fluffy, but not if he had a mouse in his mouth. And he usually does.)

Lust for lights.

I'm pretty sure Rainman installed the light switches in my house. There's a dimmer on every single one. The the hallways, the stairs, the bathrooms--I have mood lighting in all these places. And mood lighting is pretty important when you're in transit. Or taking a dump.

Unfortunately, none of these dimmers are attached to light fixtures, save one lone contractor's flush-mount nipple light in the entry. It's sort of a mediterranean looking, uni-boob kind of thing. Like Tara Reid when she's spent too much time in the tanning booth.

I love this shell chandelier from Jayson Home and Garden, but I'm still pretty miffed with him for stepping out on me with Lana from Los Angeles.



I've was kickin' it with my home girlz Serena and Lily last night and I came across these two beauties. I think they're hot but not tweet-them-pictures-of-my-wiener hot.




My living room is open to the entry and dining area, the breakfast nook is just around the corner, and all these spaces need ceiling-mounted fixtures--sort of a great room siutation. What's the deal, design people? Is all the lighting supposed to relate visually?

(I don't know what so great about great rooms. They're kind of a hassle to decorate. There's been half a mouse under a side chair in mine since last night. I thought if I left it there, Fluffy might finish it off during the night. He did not. Nothing great about that.)

Forget Craig. I'm with Jayson now.

Despite several trips to Chicago for both work and fun, I've never actually made it to Jayson Home and Garden. I've always wanted to go, but there's only so much schlepping around Chicago in search of home furnishing stores one can do before one's coworkers start resentfully calling one P.O.S.H., not after the Spice Girl, but after the tabletop shop on State Street that one may have blown the entire work group's only free afternoon searching for.

So when Jayson anounced a $1,000 shopping spree giveaway, I entered right away, and for the entire month of May, I entertained the irrational fantasy that I would actually win. I completely neglected Craig while I shopped the hell out of the Jayson site, decorating and re-decorating this room and that. You can imagine my disappointment when Jayson announced Lana from Los Angeles as the winner. What about Eileen from Encinitas?

And what would I have done with a $1,000 shopping spree to Jayson Home and Garden? In all honesty, $1,000 isn't much of a spree at Jayson, it's more of a semi-spree or a spree-lette, so my shopping would have begun with the Dev side table and ended with a Kantha throw pillow-- $1,039.81 out the door, including shipping.

And my sofa? My not-so-great-for-making-out but excellent-for-watching-Investigation-Discovery sofa? Well, it's extremely disappointed. It would have rocked the shit out of both table and pillow. It would have been HOT.

Congratulations to Jayson and Lana! I hope you two are very happy together.

(I hope Jayson gambles away the rent money and Lana disinterestedly sleeps with the mobile home park manager to buy them another month of space rental.)

I survived Ikea and all I got was this Billy bookcase.

For years, every trip to Ikea was the same.

Risk life and limb navigating past the loading zone and in the front door, race by the ball room and up the stairs, and join the masses plodding through the living, bedroom, kitchen and office displays, like herds of joyless Billys from the Family Circus, late for dinner and sure to get an eyeroll from Dolly and a finger wagging from Grandpa's ghost.

In short order I'd be completely overwhelmed. Ektorp and Blanda and Klippan and Lack. It all sounded familiar, but I didn't know what any of it meant. Where the hell was I, really? What if there was an earthquake? How would I get out with no natural light to guide me? This is California, people! And why, why, why did the whole fucking place smell like meatballs?

By the time I'd make it through the warehouse and caught sight of the long checkout lines, I would have completely lost my sense of direction and be well on my way to losing my mind. At the first glimpse of the exit sign, I'd make a run for it, abondoning my cart and leaving empty handed.

It's a system that has served me well and kept my home free of flat-packed furniture for years.

Eventually I developed a coping strategy, though. If there's something I really have to have, I go in the exit, cut through the warehouse, and walk against traffic directly to whatever it is I want. Then I grab it and get the hell out of there before I change my mind.

This Sunday I bought 12 yards of fabric that will eventually become drapes for my bedroom. My mom came with me--we made it to the rugs before she realized we were going the wrong direction--but she bought me the little black and pink vases to go with the fabric.

I'm thinking about getting the reverse print to upholster a headboard and some seat cushions. I'll show ya pictures when it's done!

Bullseye, Target! Smith and Hawken edition.

One of the things Target does exceptionally well is their collaborations with best-in-class product manufacturers. I'm not talking about their seasonal designer collections where they slap Liberty or Calypso and soon Missoni prints on every lampshade and serving tray within arm's reach. Rather, it's with their ongoing partnerships with companies like Calphalon, J.A. Henckels and Fieldcrest, that Target really hits its stride.

The manufacturers' deep industry knowledge and product area expertise and Target volumes result in tightly focused, high-quality, well-designed, product lines at moderate prices. Target gets to offer their customers exclusive lines from top manufacturers and the manufacturers grow their audience through entry-level products without diluting their brands. The customer gets so much more than just a discount--they get real value.

It's a brilliant strategy, really. Add a Diet Coke and a bag of popcorn for a $1.50 and it's no wonder I'm there three times a week

The Smith and Hawken for Target collection is a shining example of this type of collaboration. With only six different furniture collections and a few key accessories, if Smith and Hawken had been this disciplined about merchanding for their own stores, perhaps they would still be in business.



A personal favorite is the Solenti collection. It feels traditionally inspired but very modern in its streamlined simplicity. The furniture is appropriately scaled and well-proportioned--so many outdoor collections on the market now are ridiculously large--and the seats are deep enough that you can actually sink back into them, yet not so low that once you do, you can't get back up.

I was a little surprised by the price tag--a single club chair will set you back about $1,000, not including the cushions. While these are clearly investment pieces, and the great Smith and Hawken quality and elegant design may be worth every penny, it seems like a price point that would be out of reach for the average Target customer. And for those who are looking make a long term investment in patio furniture, and by that I mean dropping a grand on a single club chair, I don't think Target is the first place they're going to look.